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The Lamictal Rash [
Posted on June 23, 2011 @ 3:12 pm
So I'd started on Zoloft. Which made me unbelievably depressed and SICK to my stomach. Worse than normal. Ugh.
So I stopped the Zoloft. But the depression stayed. I saw my doctor about four weeks after this, so the Zoloft had a chance to completely leave my system.

I'm trying the Lamictal. Now, Doc told me that if I get a rash I need to run quickly to the ER. I'm a hypochondriac. I've been seeing rashes where there aren't any, but Doc was certainly right when she said I'd probably like it. My perscription came with instructions to up the dose to whatever leve, but I was told that I don't have to. I don't think I'm going to. I feel more focused and .... alive. It's a pretty good feeling.


There's some fabulous fucking things happening right now. I'm so excited.
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Having a Moment [
Posted on May 09, 2011 @ 11:10 pm
[ mood | Whatever ]

I had a great entry all written up while I was restlessly laying in bed last night. Apparently, LJ mobile isn't working properly. Anyways.

Okay, so medication.
I was started on 150mg of Wellbutrin and ... The lowest dose of Lithium, I can't remember.
Lithium kept me awake and made my tummy hurt. We took out the Lithium and upped Wellbutrin, but I was to try Wellbutrin 150mg by itself and then switch to 300mg if I felt it was needed. I did, and up I went. The difference between 150mg & 300mg was negligible, so we added Zoloft. I was supposed to start on 25mg and switch to 50mg, but I forgot that the tablets were 50mg. Which may explain the odd jitteriness I've had ever since taking them this afternoon ... Although, I've been taking them for the last three days. Wellbutrin makes my stomach hurt, but in between visits, I ran out of meds for a week. I noticed a difference. So, it IS helping. Because of my misgivings, reluctance and previous bad experience with Zoloft, Doc also prescribed Lamictal. Instead of, not in addition to, the Zoloft should it not go well. That stuff's kind of terrifying. It causes skin problems & can give you a deadly rash, apparently. WTF?

I also started taking SLO Niacin for sleep. Ummm, miracle drug? It lowers bad cholesterol, raises the good kind, and puts me to sleep. I *think* it helps me to stay asleep, but I still don't wake up feeling rested :/

Today I feel exhausted. Not sleepy, per se, but exhausted. Like everything is just too much fcking effort. I don't want to do anything. I've got projects to work on and I don't give a fuck. All I wanna do is just ... Nothing. I don't even want to do this, 'cept I feel like I should document this stuff.

I'm also in near constant pain, which I'm associating with stress/anxiety. I can't fcking relax! I need like, a week long Swedish massage or something. Maybe then I could get a decent sleep? I feel like I've never slept well in my entire life.

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It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me. & I'm feelin' good. [
Posted on March 17, 2011 @ 3:52 pm
[ mood | anxious ]

I'm very nervous about this.

I saw a psychiatrist last Friday. I've read a lot about BPD and such, but I didn't think it was prudent to have both a psychiatrist and a psychologist as my main concern is medication for ADHD & depression. The rest I can handle.

This psych, however, disagreed entirely. Well, I didn't explain that to her, I merely told her I wanted back on my medication. She told me in no uncertain terms that she is aware of how treatment for BPD goes & that I need to be seeing a shrink as well as her. I liked her no-bullshit approach. The last shrink I saw, I saw her for three sessions. I told her of my self-diagnosis and she acted as though I'd just told her I have depression. This woman addressed all of the issues UP FRONT. This is how sessions will probably end up, I don't care because this is my job. However, I feel like she thinks I'm not serious? The therapist she works with isn't on insurance yet and I'd have to pay $60/hr for every session. She said she won't work with anyone outside of this person, because this is who she trusts on such things etc, and that if I want a diff therapist, I need to seek a diff psych who will work with her.

After that, I was given my prescriptions [lithium 2x/day, and wellbutrin 1x/day], with instructions and reasoning, and dismissed with the instructions to "think about it". I was confused, so I made my follow-up for a month instead of two weeks when my lithium runs out.


I spoke with the psychologist yesterday and I've got an appointment for next Friday. I'm nervous. Like I've mentioned, I really want this to work. Part of having borderline personality disorder is having a very black and white view on life. Part of this is going to be me, in turns, hating and loving my "team". The psych says she's not entirely sure I've got BPD & that it could possibly be bipolar II. Which, honestly? I hope. I really fucking hope. Bipolar is treated with medication and is, from what I understand, just a chemical imbalance like depression or my ADHD. Borderline personality disorder? There's no treatment. It's all psychological trauma and mush and requires YEARS of intensive therapy so that a borderline can just exist on their own. The medication simple treats the symptoms, the peripheral mental bullshit that tags along for the ride.

For me, I'm almost positive it stemmed from childhood trauma. The more I read about this particular theory, the more I agree with it.

Thing is, though, NO ONE knows where it comes from. No one. No one has any proof as to weather it's 100% psychological or if it's somehow a combination of nature and nurture. No one can even agree as to what sort of therapy a borderline ought to receive.

We'll see.

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Borderline Personality Disorder [
Posted on March 15, 2011 @ 4:00 pm
BPD means Borderline Personality Disorder.

What does that mean?

"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is an emotional disorder that causes emotional instability, leading to stress and other problems.

With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you desire loving relationships."

- Mayo Clinic

I actually couldn't have said it better myself.
It means I have a huge social ineptness. It means that, on top of already having verbal diarrhea with my ADHD, now it's worse. I have a HUGE problem with impulse control. I'm chronically depressed, on edge, and furious. I keep finding new and creative ways to hurt myself. I harbor an inability to create healthy and lasting relationships with anyone.


Let's fill her full of poison and see what she does.
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x.Friends Only.x [
Posted on August 16, 2004 @ 4:54 pm
[ mood | amused ]

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